“Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, and when you’re broken on the ground, you will be found” - “You Will be Found” from the Musical Dear Evan Hansen
I might as well get straight to the point of this blog post. Today is the 1 year anniversary of my rejection from NYU after they stopped recruiting me for golf because of my wrist injury. 366 days ago, I thought I had a clear idea of what the next four years of my life would look like, and where it would take me. I couldn’t see myself anywhere other than New York, and I thought it was the opportunity of a lifetime to play golf for such an established school while also studying the subject I felt so passionate about.
Flash forward 24 hours, and suddenly everything I had seen as possible, became a dream out of reach. That morning I had gone completely out of character and read my horoscope. It said, "you might think today's situation is a failure... Put aside your assumptions and fears and just deal with what's in front of you right now." It felt like the end of the world, and I lost any hope I had for any future I had imagined for myself. I felt embarrassed for myself, disappointed in my shortcomings, and found myself stuck in a hole of “what ifs.” I pushed away some of the people I cared most about and completely isolated myself from the rest of the world. I constantly questioned how my life would have turned out if I had hadn‘t gotten injured an NYU had continued to recruit me for golf. I lived out the rest of my senior year in my own self pity, wondering why I felt so alone, but not willing to reach out to anyone for help.
Looking back, I wonder if I really wanted to feel better, or if I just wanted myself and others to just feel sorry for everything that had happened. I had gotten a literal career ending injury at the worst possible time, lost a friend who I had called my best through middle and high school, and gotten rejected from every single film program that I had wanted to go to. Through all of this, I chose to be alone and suffer in my own silence, not able to learn from the experience, only dwell upon it.
I went on the rest of my senior year sitting around feeling sorry for myself instead of spending quality time with my friends. I thought it was ok to distance myself from them because I figured I wasn’t going to see them again after graduation. Why should I put in any effort when I’m never going to have a relevant conversation with them ever again? I thought people wouldn't want to hang out with me, and I began to create my own negative narratives about what others thought of me. Teachers would begin to ask me if I was ok, as it started to become clear that I wasn’t in the best mental state. The only person I would ever confide in is my Sophomore English teacher who promised me that all of it would pass, and life would get better. I would listen to the words coming out of her mouth but never believe the advice she was giving me. My stubborn self had been programmed to believe that this was rock bottom, and there was no coming back from it. I went through the life skills retreat reflecting on my choices, but still not willing to make any change to myself. Needless to say I thought it was a pointless experience and I failed to fully embrace it when I needed it most.
The rest of my year consisted of some not so great moments that turned into memes. Just after I got rejected, I got a corneal abrasion and had to wear an eye patch to school which made it look like I had lost my eye. Of course all of this during finals. My family outside of my parents continued to not support my passion to go forward and study film. An internship I had been setting up ultimately fell through. I got rejected from all the other film programs I had applied to and even got told that I was just, "overall too average." High school came and went without any significance and over the summer I had a health scare with Cushing's disease and a tumor. Everything was happening so slow and I needed to escape to break the cycle that I had been so used to my whole life.
I decided to go to Paris, not just because it was the best opportunity I was given, but because I needed to get as far away from my hometown as I possibly could. I knew USC had always been my dream school and this was my best opportunity to get there, but part of me knew I needed to get away from everything that was “normal” in order to regain my confidence, and set my sights on a new path. Paris has given me the opportunity to start fresh and forget about “what could have been.”
If you know me, you probably know that it is rare that I open up like this, especially on a platform where nearly anyone could find and read this. I guess the reason I am writing this is because I wanted to write to all of the people reading this who might be receiving college decision letters within the next few months.
In the coming months there are going to be some days where you feel the rush of pure joy, finally accomplishing your goal that you have been working towards for the past four years. There will also be days where you will feel the weight of rejection placed over your shoulders and you’ll just want to cry in a corner alone. Even moments where your peers get into schools and you don’t can feel like a jab to the stomach. People will constantly tell you that, “everything happens for a reason,” and that you will be happy wherever you end up. You certainly don’t have to listen to that advice, but I still believe that wherever you end up, you will be able to make the most of it. Either way, I encourage you to surround yourself by the ones you love, and don’t make the same mistake I did.
So after all of this, I will tell you that whatever you’re going through right now, it gets better. High school is not the “dawning of the rest of [your] life,” or the defining chapter that determines exactly how your life will turn out. High school is the bridge that guides you from being a child who thinks that every dip is the end of the world, to an adult who sees every dip as a learning opportunity to make the most out of.
Right now, I am in a place that I never could have seen myself even a few months ago. Both Yui and myself could never have predicted the way our lives are at this very moment, just a year ago. We had dreams, those dreams were crushed, but both of us have learned to make the most of the reality we have been handed. Everything has happened so fast, but in the three months I have been here, I have met some of the purest friends who come from all different aspects of life, immersed myself in a completely different culture, and set sights on new goals. No matter how low you are right now, life gets better after high school.
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